Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I am mentally ready for anal.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
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