Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
