if you like me you must not know who I am
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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