If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
