im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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