Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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