Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
