saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
