I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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