did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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