I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
