I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
