he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
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Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
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