Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Randomize
