He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
