Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Randomize
