i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Randomize
