i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
