I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
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i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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