Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
