You're completely useless in the revolution.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
