im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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