we were pretty classy up until the second keg
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
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The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
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I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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