So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
