I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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