I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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