i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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