Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
