I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
