I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success