Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Randomize
