Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
