So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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