Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Holy sore nipples Batman
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
