I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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