When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
