i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
