he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
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It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
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I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
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