What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
