If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
where are my eyebrows?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
