I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
