I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
