I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
