in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
