I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
