i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can't turn off my feet"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
