i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
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