Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
