My friends, they love my intelligence
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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