True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
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