My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
