my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
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