What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
