My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
